I don't have to believe in myself if I believe in my God.

Honestly, it's not that I really lacked faith, so to speak. It's truly just that change and risks make me nervous. I mean, ask anyone, especially my parents,. I am not a person of change. I like consistency, routines, and predictable outcomes. Even as a child, I would sometimes be paralyzed by change.

So, in 2015 when my mom told me to use my first big tax return on something I wanted, I knew I was going to buy a camera. A good camera. But, I never thought anything would come from it because... that would require change and the risk of putting myself "out there."

I was that girl that when I liked a guy, but found out that someone else liked him, I would literally try to set them up. Why? I guess I would rather just give up and give in before believing enough in myself to put myself out there. That is why it took me so long to date and utilize online dating and that is why I was terrified when people would ask me when I was going to start a photography page.

Yet, one day I felt inspired. I felt pushed and I felt, dare I say, confident. I started a couple blogs // websites (check out this bad boy: https://themustardseedcollective.weebly.com/ haha!) here and there, but this time was different. I felt the push to challenge myself and better yet, to believe in myself. It all came after I realized, no matter what, the goal is to glorify God, not myself, in all I do. So, am I really risking anything, when I am doing it to honor the Lord? I don't think so. If God is for me, who can be against me? (PS. I highly doubted anyone would actually be against me... but that darn brain can take you down some negative thought trails!)

The second realization I had was that I had so many incredible photographers in my life that were not competition, but teachers and inspiration. I had to step back from myself and realize that the creatives around me were absolutely not people I was competing with, or in my mind "stealing business from." They were simply deeper in the community that I wanted to be apart of. I remember reading a quote about God's economy, simply saying that God's economy is eternal and everlasting, it never runs out. There was room for me and even better, there will be room for any person that wants to join this table or any other table for that matter.

Obviously, this didn't just magically become a business overnight. It has taken 5 years of pushing myself constantly to believe in myself and faith in God that I am not "less than." Pushing myself to be confident, reach out to other photographers, learn new programs, save up money to buy better equipment, etc. Am I at a place where I would make this a full-time gig? No way! I love my day job, but do I absolutely LOVE getting to call this a side job? Absolutely! It is not easy, I am not perfect (and never will be!), nor am I "enough" as one of my favorite podcaster and authors, Allie Stuckey, points out. I don't need to be enough, I don't need to find my ultimate fulfillment in this or any other job because I find that in the Lord! This is just one of the many bonuses and blessings that He has put in my life!

So you, whoever you are reading this, today or in the future, if you are ever feeling the desire to try something new. DO IT. Suck at it for a while, let yourself learn, let yourself fail, put yourself out there, risk it. No matter what, God has an incredible way of using ALL things for His glory, so in the end there is no risk at all.